Robert Dalton vs. The World

Yes yes yes, it’s just another hate filled blog by the ole Flamethrower. They call me the flamethrower because I burn bridges and show no remorse. Fire doesn’t discriminate. I hate everyone equally, but I kind of hate you more right now because:

You air dirty laundry on facebook. How douchey are you? By telling ALL your friends that your boy/girlfriend, husband/wife, mother/father/child is a douche bag on facebook just makes you look like a cocksucking asshole. How do you know if you’re a dirty laundry airing cunt? It’s easy, if you post shit like: “I hope you’re happy”, “Lies will get you nowhere”, or “Just tell the truth”, you’re a cuntrag. Keep your shitty life to yourself. Nobody really gives a fuck if your life sucks.

You wear “Guyliner”. What. The. Fuck? Men aren’t supposed to wear makeup. That’s the beauty of being a man. We just are. By wearing guyliner, you’re announcing to the world you secretly want to be a chick. Sure Johnny Depp looks cool with it in Pirates, but he’s a fictional pirate for Christ’s sake. You, on the other hand, are a wannabe douche bag bitch hole. I hope the next time you put on the guyliner you gouge you’re fucking eyeballs out. Jackoff!

You rock the “bedhead” look. What you couldn’t be bothered to run a comb through that tattered shit on your head? Looking like you rolled out of bed and didn’t comb your hair isn’t cool, it means you’re a lazy cunt. Yes, I said cunt again. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? Hey cock knocker, buy a comb and use it, otherwise I hope you get cancer and the chemo makes you lose your hair. Then I will not give two shits or a fuck if you don’t comb that shit.

You are a rapper/hip hop artist. Rap is the shit on the bottom of the shoe of the music industry. Guess what, Eminem sucks. 50 Cent is a little bitch. Biggie and 2 PAC were talentless fucks. Oh did I touch a nerve? Rap is a fucking joke. Anyone can rap. Check it: I think rap is shit, Lindsay Lohan has a nice tit, Run DMC were untalented hacks, don’t hate the player cuz I have all the facts. Something something I beat my chick, something something suck my dick. See, rap/hip hop is so easy a caveman can do it. Fuck you Geico.

You are in the Westboro Baptist Church. Seriously, you’re going to protest a soldiers funeral? Why? Cuz he died during war? Are you going to protest the drug lords funeral? You going to protest the prostitutes funeral? No, why? Oh I see, cuz you’re really a fame whore. I get it now. Hey Megan Phelps and the rest of the WBC cockstains, I can see through your bullshit. It doesn’t take Stephen Hawking to see you’re out for notoriety and not for “righteous” means. When Fred dies and goes to hell, I hope you see the error of your ways. Nobody believes your shit. Guess what, I will not protest your funerals. In fact, I will celebrate them. I’m not only going to fuck someone on your grave and blow my load on your tombstones, I will also defecate on your grave when I’m done. You pieces of shit are the lowest of the low. You’re nothing more than starfuckers. Just die already. God hates fags? No, God hates posers!

You use LOL 🙂 at the end of your posts. You just told me my mother is a whore, but I forgive you because you used LOL :). LOL 🙂 doesn’t give you carte blanche to say whatever the fuck you want. I say whatever I want and I don’t quantify it with the ubiquitous LOL :). Man, or woman, up and just accept that you said some mean and nasty shit. I do it all the time. Don’t be a little bitch and try to weasel out of your sentiment with LOL :). Next time you post LOL 🙂 after a nasty comment I’m going to force you to suck my dogs nuts. Fuck you, LOL :).

Unlike Scott Pilgram vs The World, I had more than 7 evil exes to fight. My whore ex had 37 dicks she sucked. 37? My SmodSquad brethren will get that joke. Wish me luck tomorrow on my AT&T interview. If not, fuck you. AT&T, we’re so desperate we’ll interview the flamethrower for a call center.

Holy Sh*t, What is Wrong With Me?

No this isn’t me questioning myself. No, I’m not having one of THOSE days. This is just some nonsense from your old buddy Rob. Yeah, I have issues.

Does the FDIC protect my deposits at the sperm bank?

Pineapples don’t smell like pine or taste like apples.

Donald Trump needs to fire his barber.

I’ve been praying for a blow job and all of a sudden it got windy.

Aud de toilette smells like shit.

If a tree falls and nobody is there to hear it, how do we know it fell?

Did I just steal my own joke? Yes, yes I did.

Go see the movie Red State. There’s a fat guy in a restaurant scene that you may know. (watch Kevin Smith will cut that scene now)

Is Christmas the “most wonderful time of the year”? Survey says, no! The most wonderful time of the year is football season.

Why is jerking off known as spanking the monkey? My dick looks nothing like a monkey. A caterpillar yes, a monkey no.

Is there a support group for people addicted to technology? I think I need one, I’m always on my iPhone and iPad.

Can you use an iPad for an iPeriod?

What’s next Apple, the iTampon or the iDildo? Is the iDildo Apple’s way of telling me to go fuck myself?

It’s 12:30, I’ve been drinking, and I gotta work tomorrow. Gonna call this one. Night all.

Zombie What?

Tis the season for ghouls, goblins, and Linda Tripp to come out and scare you. In this, the unholiest of seasons, I bring to you some utter stupid shit that I thought sounded funny. Enjoy or don’t, just don’t whine because I’m not charging you for this:

Why do zombies eat brains, do they taste like chicken?

Did Dr. Frankenstein give his monster a penis or is it like a giant Ken Doll?

Why is the grim reaper so grim, did he not get any love as a child?

Was Halloween Jeffrey Dahmer’s favorite holiday, I mean he had tons of body parts for decoration?

Why do zombies walk like they’re drunk?

VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE!

If a vampire sucks AIDs infested blood, does it die or just get really really thin?

Why do people run from skeletons? Would you run from Mary Kate Olsen?

I know how to stop a werewolf, scratch him behind his ear.

If I was attacked by a mummy, I’d wipe my ass with his wrappings.

Is Casper the friendly ghost scary?

Why do women dress like whores on Halloween and like a frumpy librarian the other 364 days of the year? You’re all a bunch of cock teases.

You tell kids never take candy from strangers, then you take them trick or treating in the rich neighborhood. SMH.

Ghosts are scary, the movie Ghost scared the fuck out of me.

Did you know Michael Meyers mask was a William Shatner mask spray painted white?

That last part wasn’t a joke, it’s fact.

Scarier Halloween costume: Undead Zombie or Sarah Jessica Parker?

I’d rather watch a zombie eat brains than Vin Diesel trying to be a bad ass. Sorry Vin badasses don’t pout their lips to look hard. (Watch XXX for this joke)

October 30 is known as Devil’s Night in Detroit and they burn buildings. Someone tell me how that’s different from the rest of the year in Detroit.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch is the WORST horror movie ever made. It makes Friday the 13th X: Jason in Space look like The Exorcist in comparison.

If a kid says: trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat, I’ll fuck his mom(trick), smell his feet(gross), and give him an orange(something good to eat).

Yeah yeah yeah, I know. You just HAD to make fun of SJP and Vin Diesel? Yep, it’s a moral imperative. So, if you don’t mind: trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme your mothers pussy to eat.

What? It’s been awhile.

How ya doing my faithful fans (all 3 of you)? It’s been awhile since I’ve dropped some nonsense on ya, so here we go:

Who thought “The Situation” would be a good nickname? From now on you can call me “Your screaming orgasm”.

Sandboxes suck when you’re packing to move, the sand really gunks up your tape and it doesn’t protect your valuables.

Cow pies taste like shit.

Why do they call it a Dutch oven when you fart under the covers and hold someone’s head down there?

If you sneeze and a priest says “God bless you”, does that absolve you of all your sins?

Why do parents tell children to never take candy from strangers, then take them Trick or Treating?

If Soylent Green is people, does it taste like chicken? I bet I taste like bacon, cuz I’m a fat pig.

If everything tastes like chicken, then what the fuck does chicken taste like?

If you get a piercing or tattoo on the back of your neck and you have long hair, you’re either a pussy or an idiot.

Why does a tongue piercing give you a lisp?

You CANNOT sound tough with a lisp. If Brock Lesnar had a lisp, I’d call him queer to his face. Of course my face would get caved in, but he’d SOUND like a pussy.

If William Shatner and Betty White had a kid, it’d be a miracle because her vagina dried up in the 70’s.

That’s all for now, just testing my page. I have blogs not publishing. WTF?

What? (Star Wars edition)

I’m sitting here on a Sunday afternoon watching a Star Wars marathon on Spike TV. I love these movies, but my cynical side has taken over today and I’m catching stuff I’ve never noticed before. So, without further ado, I present to you What? (Star Wars edition):

Why is the first Star Wars number 4?

Who thought it’d be cool to strap danishes on Princess Leia’s head?

If this shit happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, we’re fucked because they have spaceships, laser guns, and telekinesis.

Does Darth Vader have asthma?

Why aren’t Storm Trooper uniforms “laser proof”?

If droids are so advanced why can we see C3PO’s wires and circuit boards?

At-At walkers look like giant camels.

Who funds these armies? The Death Star would cost like a billion dollars and they build a second one.

Did they have insurance on the Death Star? I’d hate to be the agent that insured that motherfucker.

You’d think as expensive as the Death Star would be to build, they’d be able to cover the exhaust port that was the fatal design error.

Why does Han Solo have a helmet with a shield you can’t see through on his ship? Luke uses is while he’s practicing “the force” with the little laser ball.

If Yoda is so damn smart, why does he speak like a retard?

Who likes Jar Jar Binks? You do? Please go kill yourself.

How funny was it to hear Darth Vader scream out “Padame” at the end of Revenge of the Sith?

I can’t believe The Empire was beat by the Carebears.

Does anybody besides me find it disturbing that Luke and Leia makeout in the first AND second movie? I mean, they’re not only brother and sister, they’re TWINS. Incest is not cool, it’s sick. George Lucas, you’re fucked in the head.

What’s a nerfherder?

Is Lando Calrissian the only black guy in the galaxy?

Space is a vacuum, therefore there is no oxygen. Explain to me how these things explode in fiery explosions.

Does nobody know how to aim? They shoot 50 shots before they hit anything.

Luke hears voices, he must be insane. Perhaps that explains why he wants to fuck his sister?

Luke admits he shot wamp rats from his speeder for fun. Killing small creatures for fun is serial killer stuff, no wonder he hears voices.

Why does R2-D2 look like a garbage can? C3PO looks human, R2-D2 got the shaft.

Why do those guys attack Luke at the bar? Is that guy a walrus or are those balls hanging from his face?

Is that a giant vagina in Return of the Jedi that Boba Fett falls into?

Does Jabba the Hutt have a penis? Why else would he put Leia in bondage gear and chains?

Why do all of the officers in The Empire have English accents?

If people in a galaxy far far away can speak English, then why can’t we force all the Mexicans that come here to?

Just a little Star Wars themed humor on a Sunday for all my readers. Enjoy.

What? (yes again)

It’s so fucking hot outside, I have nothing better to do than sit inside and drop some nonsense on ya. Here we go:

How big of a fishing pole do you use to catch sardines?

Does anyone like anchovies?

Can celebrity chef Bobby Flay make anything that isn’t spicy?

Are black people offended by the name Shakespeare?

Yup, I went racial on that joke.

Vegetarians don’t care about our planet. Know why? Cow farts release more pollution into our atmosphere than anything else. It’s every persons civic duty to eat as many cows as they can. We have to stop this menace!

That last bit wasn’t a joke.

Can you believe I watched a Sara Jessica Parker movie? I later found out it was the Preakness Stakes horse race.

Did you know doctors think they’ve found a cure for insomnia? This medical breakthrough will make millions of people happy. The new drug will be released later this year. It’s called “Vindieselmoviemarathon”.

In other medical related news, doctors have found an antibody that kills 90% of the AIDs virus. This is real, not like the insomnia thing. That’s an awesome breakthrough, too bad it’s that last 10% that kills you.

Do Shitake mushrooms taste like shitake?

I don’t think groundhogs look anything like normal hogs.

Is Bugs Bunny gay? He sure likes to cross-dress.

Why does Gossamer wear sneakers?

Is there really poo poo in a poo-poo platter? I bet it tastes like shit.

I don’t think the Hoover Dam looks anything like President Hoover.

Do you get cream of mushroom soup by jerking off a mushroom?

I find it very difficult to chop anything with a chop stick.

Why does Juan Valdez walk around with a donkey? Does he sell coffee to fund his donkey show on the side?

What blood type is a blood orange?

I’m think of getting a tattoo of my penis, on my penis, just alot larger.

If I call information, can they tell me where I left my car keys?

Do they still make Zima?

What would I do for a Klondike bar? I’d go to the store and buy one, duh.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Who the fuck licks lollipops?

Do peppercorns grow on a cob?

Is the politically correct term African American pepper?

Just some random nonsense from your random hero. Have a nice day everyone. M-I-C, see ya real soon. K-E-Y, why, fuck if I know?

Huh?

More nonsense, go figure.

How do you know if you had a great fucking time the night before? You wake up and find a tiger in the bathroom.

How do you know if you had a bad fucking time the night before? You wake up and find you’re married to Sarah Jessica Parker.

Which job sucks worse: “port-a-potty clean up” or “Sarah Jessica Parker’s make-up artist”?

I know when the Earth will end. It’s not 2012. It’s when Vin Diesel wins an Oscar.

If you could, would you fuck the green M&M chick? I wouldn’t, but I bet her pussy would melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

If a pussy wedgie is called a “camel toe” what is a cock wedgie called? Painful.

What is super glue’s superpower?

I don’t think chicken pox look anything like chickens.

I think an earthquake is actually earth having a seizure.

I used to call my ex’s pussy New Orleans. It sure was “The Big Easy”.

Can you race a seahorse?

Sea Cucumbers taste nothing like regular cucumbers.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live in it?

If you think the Three Stooges were funny, you should be kicked in the nuts.

Did you know Coca-Cola used to have cocaine in it? Now THAT’S an energy drink!

Do serial killers eat cereal?

Am I the only guy that masturbated to Jessica Rabbit? I was? Oh, nevermind…

If a genie is so powerful it can grant wishes, why are they stuck in lamps?

If you could lick your own balls, would you?

Why do dogs greet each other by sniffing each others ass?

Why are roosters called cocks? Is that where the term “choking the chicken” came from?

Why do we celebrate Jesus’ resurrection by coloring eggs?

Why do dirty vaginas smell like fish?

That’s quite a transition from Jesus to smell pussy, huh?

Why didn’t the Trix rabbit just go buy his own box of cereal?

How would you know if something tastes like shit?

If you get hairy palms by masturbating, how do you get a hairy ass?

Do chicks really think chest hair is sexy? That’s gross.

Why do all foreigners in movies speak english with a British accent?

Why is beer the same color as piss?

Why does corn come out whole in your shit when you know you chewed it up?

Are movies in a Porno theater known as cumming attractions?

Who is responsible for the travesty known as the Twilight series? Why did they think making vampires “sparkly” was cool? If you stab them in the heart with a stake, do Skittles come pouring out?

Do butterflies really taste like butter?

Yes, this is how my mind works. Pretty scary huh?

What?

Who let the dogs out? Michael Vick.

Is this love? No I think they call that semen.

All you need is love? Cool, then give me all of your Beatles money bitch.

Does Everybody Love Raymond? I don’t, I think he’s a douche.

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody’s there to hear it, how the fuck do we know it fell?

How can you call a movie Sex and the City 2 and not have any sex or the city?

Was a sequel to The Fast and the Furious necessary?

What are three sequels to The Fast and The Furious called? A hate crime against society.

What’s more embarrassing: accidentally hanging yourself to death in a closet, while you’re crossdressed and masturbating or watching Glee?

Why does Vin Diesel still get acting roles?

Which job is worse: “guy who jerks off bulls” or “Sarah Jessica Parker’s mirror”?

If a person with no hearing is “hearing impaired” and a person with no sight is “visually impaired”, what do you call a person with no balls, “Barack Obama”?

If the squeeky wheel gets the grease, what does the wobbly wheel get, put on every cart at Wal-Mart?

How do the street crews know which road I want to drive on, so they can fuck it up?

Why do we say, “I found it in the last place I looked”? You don’t keep looking after you found it, do you?

Why is every size at Starbucks a foreign word for “large” except for the actual large?

Which witch is which? The smart one is Harry Potter, the evil one is from The Wizard of Oz, and the drunk one is Paula Abdul.

How much wood, could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck, could chuck wood? WTF is a wood chuck?

Why is cocaine called “blow”, shouldn’t it be called “snort”?

If you use Twitter, does that make you a twit? What are you if you use a dictaphone?

Why do aliens only abduct rednecks?

Does anybody aspire to grow up to be a proctologist?

If you can’t tell your elbow from your asshole, I bet you have skidmarks.

If you get “knocked head over heels” doesn’t that mean you’re standing up? Shouldn’t the saying be “knocked heels over head”?

Why are they called blue balls? Wouldn’t giant sore puffy balls be more accurate?

Do people actually rest in a restroom?

If we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway, do we get free on a highway and high on a freeway?

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. That’s true, if you shoved something up his ass. The quickest way to a man’s heart is really through his ribcage, duh.

Why do people say “break a leg”, when they want you to do well? What does it mean if they tell you to “get anally raped by zombies”?

Isn’t it counterproductive to tell kids not to take candy from strangers, but then give them money for the ice cream truck?

I’d hate to be your boyfriend if you can’t tell if you are cumming or going, I don’t like golden showers!

Why is it called a blow job? You’re not really blowing are you? Shouldn’t it be called a bobble job?

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster!

They say there are other fish in the sea, not anymore, thanks BP!

They say “you gotta hit it and quit it”, wouldn’t that get you 2 years in prison for assault.

Why do British people say “bollocks”? Bollocks is slang for testicles. You don’t hear Americans going, “that’s balls!”

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. An old dog can lick his own nuts, so he turns his own tricks.

I heard it’s not the size of the man in a fight, it’s the size of the fight in the man. So, does that mean if Ryan Seacrest was angry, he could kick Tito Ortiz’s ass?

Why are they called trolls? I think they should be called Sarah Jessica Parkers.

Do gnomes come from Gnome, Alaska? If so, then what comes from Mianus, Connecticut?

Why can’t people realize Clark Kent is Superman wearing glasses? Are all people in Metropolis “visually impaired” or just fucking dumb?

I don’t think sealions look anything like a lion.

Why does that woman in the Glade commercials try to hide the fact that she buys Glade? If you bought your candles at The Fuck Shop, I could understand.

They say it’s the quiet ones you need to watch out for. How about the guy screaming “I’m made of pudding” and running around with a machete?

Why does Jason Voorhees wear an old school hockey goalie mask? You wanna put fear in people, wear a Sarah Jessica Parker mask!

Can someone tell me how Jason grew from a 12 year old to a thirty year old after he drowned in Crystal Lake? It must be the fountain of youth.

They say things happen for a reason. Can you explain what the reason is for the platypus?

They say, I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. Have you ever screamed for ice cream? I know I haven’t. They lied.

Can you really laugh your ass off? That would be a real easy exercise program.

Why’d you read all of this, glutton for punishment?